


Bond of the lonely souls

by bettyparker



Series: Soulmates AU [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt Jim, M/M, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-08 00:14:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7735396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bettyparker/pseuds/bettyparker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People see in black and white until they touch their soulmate.<br/>Jim touches Bones and his world bursts into colors. And they’re so bright and overwhelming that he has to grab something in order to stay upright. The words don’t do the sensation justice. Jim spent his whole life in a dull world and it feels like he spent his life underwater, drowning, and now he finally broke to the surface.<br/>“Bones, do you see this?”<br/>“What are you talking about?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bond of the lonely souls

Most people say that soulmates are something to be cherished, a blessing or someone’s better half. People spend their whole lives searching for their better half, trying to find their colors. But if someone asked James Kirk he’d say that it’s all bullshit. Because he touches Bones and his world bursts into colors. And they’re so bright and overwhelming that he has to grab something in order to stay upright. The words don’t do the sensation justice. Jim spent his whole life in a dull world and it feels like he spent his life underwater, drowning, and now he finally broke to the surface. But he looks at Bones and there’s no change in him.

“Bones, do you see this?”

And Bones just turns to Jim with a raised eyebrow and Jim feels it like a blow to the gut because he can tell by his face what the answer is going to be.

“What are you talking about?”

And Jim flinches away without another word. He takes a minute to compose himself and then puts on a smile. That’s what he’s best at. Pretending.

“Nothing. Forget about it.”

They keep walking and Jim remembers a time when his mother told him that losing her colors left her with a constant ache and a hole in her life impossible to fill. Jim thought that must be the worst feeling but now he thinks what he’s feeling right now is worse. His mother lost her soulmate but Jim’s is right here and yet he’ll never be Jim’s.

They don’t stop being friends because, despite everything, Jim needs Bones. Instead, Jim starts picking fights more frequently, hoping that the pain will take his mind away from the void in his chest. And sometimes when he’s sore all over and blood stains his clothes and knuckles he almost forgets. But then he gets back to his dorm and Bones swears when he sees him and the ache intensifies. He doesn’t wanna do this to Bones, after all it’s not his fault that Jim’s not his soulmate, but Jim can’t stop. And when Bones checks him over Jim wanders sometimes if the wife Bones keeps talking about was his soulmate. He never asks.

Jim starts sleeping around. It doesn’t help him in any way but he already has the bad habit of hurting himself and once he started, it’s hard to stop. Bones notices the change and sometimes Jim catches him frowning at his back. He doesn’t acknowledge him. One night he’s going out with some guy he met the same day and Bones is leaning on the wall, his eyes showing the disapproval.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?”

Jim almost stumbles but he catches himself in time. He gives Bones a smile and leaves. Bones doesn’t bring it up again. Jim stops sleeping around in the third year. The rumors don’t stop and he’s still labeled as a playboy but he doesn’t care. He still picks fights often.  He decides that his favorite color is red.

When he gets dumped on Delta Vega he feels the ache because Bones didn’t even try to help him. At the same time Jim understands that there was nothing the doctor could’ve done to prevent it once Spock took the decision. When he escapes the pot and puts on the jacket he looks around and relaxes for a moment. Everything around him is white. White is good, he can almost pretend he doesn’t see the colors. Meeting the other Spock feels surreal.  They sit around the fire and Spock furrows his eyebrows while studying Jim and he’s shocked at how human this Spock looks compared to the one on the Enterprise.

“You are sad.”

Jim can’t help but snort. Because that sounds more like Spock.

“Please friend, tell me. What troubles you?”

And for a moment Jim wants to tell him everything. He wants someone else to know about his screwed up life. Instead he shakes the thought away because it would do no good so he settles for something else.

“Was I happy? The other me I mean, it the other universe? Was he happy?”

Spock looks confused for a moment and then the fondest look takes over.

“Yes. Yes, he was very happy.”

And Jim can’t help but smile bitterly. At least one of them was happy. Because even if he and Spock get to be friends, he’ll never be truly happy. He made peace with that fact a long time ago. When Jim gets back to the Enterprise he finds that he sort of misses the other Spock. He finds himself face to face with this Spock and his chest hurts because Bones is there and he’s frozen so he does what he knows best. He picks a fight. He hits Spock where he knows it will hurt. He doesn’t remember much of what happens next but when he comes back to himself he’s being chocked by a very angry Spock and the pain almost makes Jim forget that Bones isn’t lifting a finger to help him.

The whole thing with Nero keeps him occupied and he’s surprised to see that after it’s all over and they’re back at the Academy he feels almost okay. The fighting actually kept him from thinking about it all. He is also pleasantly surprised to see the friendship forming between him and Spock. It’s good enough.

He has the Enterprise again but the cost feels too high. Pike is dead and Jim will never know if he died disappointed by Jim. Spock finds him sometime when they’re at warp and he just sits down next to him.

“Look if you’re here to give me hell for coming back for you, you can save it. I heard enough of that from Pike.”

Spock doesn’t get up to leave as Jim expected him to. Instead he turns and looks at Jim, his expression serious.

“I did not come here to discuss that. I came here because you look like you need a…friend.”

Jim wants to tell Spock to fuck off, wants to tell him that he doesn’t need pity. Before Jim can say anything Spock continues talking unperturbed.

“I couldn’t help but notice that you have been avoiding doctor McCoy. Did something happen to alter your friendship?”

Truth was, Jim has been avoiding Bones. He just never expected Spock to notice, much less care. The past couple of months left Jim tired. The hole in his chest while still there now makes him feel cold all the time. And maybe he should’ve expected it, often times broken soulbonds like his take a toll on a person physically. He doesn’t want Bones to find out though. Spock on the other hand takes a look at him and it seems to click for him. Jim looks out of the window before answering.

“Do you know about soulmates?”

Spock shifts next to him but Jim doesn’t turn to face him. This conversation is better without having to see the pity that is guaranteed to be on Spock’s face.

“I do. I studied humans a lot since my mother was one. I also know that you can see the colors.”

Jim wants to be surprised but he isn’t. Not really. He still asks because he’s curious.

“How?”

“When we came back from Nero’s ship we went to change. I already had my suspicions so I laid down two shirts, one blue and one yellow. You took the yellow one without hesitation.”

And at that Jim laughs. He was given away by a shirt.

“Smart move Spock. But anyway, you’re right. I can see the colors. I was able to see them since the first year of Academy.”

“You sound almost…resentful. Is it not what most humans want?”

And Jim wants to laugh and cry at the same time because yes, people want this. But people also have normal soulmate bonds.

“People are stupid to want this. You want me to tell you the truth? It sucks. I was perfectly fine before…this.”

“Jim…is doctor McCoy your soulmate?”

And for some reason Jim finds that really funny. Because here he is, hiding from his best friend/soulmate, his life is a mess and Spock is genuinely confused.

“We were walking to our dorm when we touched. I caught his wrist to prevent him from falling and the next thing I know the world just bursts. It was everything somebody could hope for. But I look at Bones and there’s nothing. He doesn’t see the colors. My mom used to call it ‘the bond of the lonely soul’. Now the colors are only reminders of this…broken thing.”

Silence falls over them and Jim is grateful because Spock doesn’t look pitiful, his face shows understanding and maybe even a little sadness. Spock puts his hand on his shoulder and Jim feels a little better.

“If you ever wish to discuss it, I am always willing to listen. I will also assist you in your quest to evade the doctor.”

That makes Jim smile. If someone had told Jim a few years ago that he’ll be sitting aboard of his ship, avoiding his soulmate and that his best friend would be a Vulcan he would’ve laughed in their face.

“Thank you, Spock. You’re a good friend.”

And Jim thinks he sees the corner of Spock’s mouth lift a little before he straightens up.

“Now, Captain, shall we return to the bridge?”

“Yes, Mr.Spock. Let’s.”

And that right there is exactly why Jim likes Spock. Because he doesn’t bring up the issue again and he doesn’t look at Jim differently. They simply walk back to the bridge and when they get there Jim’s greeted by Chekov’s voice.

“Keptin on the bridge!”

Jim can’t help but smile at the kid. But then he sees Bones waiting for him next to the chair and it feels harder to breathe. Jim squares his sholders and takes a deep breath despite the lump in his throat and prepares to face the music when Spock shoves a PADD in his hands. Jim is confused for a moment but then Spock starts talking about future missions and strategies that they already discussed and it clicks. He’s saving Jim from Bones. And Jim could kiss Spock right now but he doesn’t really want to and he also doesn’t have a death wish cause Uhura would definitely kill him. Instead he pretends to be interested in the conversation and when he sits down on the chair Spock stops next to him. Spock pauses his rant and turns to Bones who is standing there a little stunned.

“Doctor, was there something you wanted?”

Bones takes a second to answer and Jim can tell that he’s shocked by the biting tone Spock used.

“I..uhh…I just wanted to see how Jim is doing.”

Jim is the one surprised this time. Bones never stumbles over words. Spock just raises an eyebrow, his face a blank mask.

“Well as you can see, the Captain is well. We have work to do. Was that all, Doctor?”

And for a moment Jim feels bad because Bones looks so lost but then he remembers the reason he’s avoiding him and turns his attention back on the PADD. He feels Bones leave and when he hears the door close behind him he looks up at Spock and hands him the PADD back.

“Thank you.”

It’s a whisper but Spock catches it anyway. He nods before going back to his station. Jim can feel the curious glances of Uhura and Chekov but he doesn’t pay them any mind.

Of course it goes to hell really fast. They fight with Khan provides another distraction from Jim’s screwed up life. Jim has to grit his teeth when Bones starts flirting with Carol Marcus. He wants to scream but Spock is next to him then and the hand that he puts on Jim’s shoulder grounds him. Jim has to take a deep breath when the torpedo arms itself and the countdown leaves Jim with a bitter taste in his mouth. When the danger passes Jim almost collapses in relief but aside from Spock who’s right next to him, no one seems to notice. At some point Jim suspects Khan knows about the bond because he takes a look at him and the way he leans towards Spock and away from Bones and he gives Jim a look full of pity and then he laughs and Jim’s blood boils. Spock puts his hand on his chest to stop him from punching Khan and Jim is grateful to have Spock there. There’s a lot of fighting and then Admiral Marcus is killed and Jim thinks he’ll never forget the sickening crunch of his skull breaking.

 But then the Enterprise is going down and Jim finds himself at the core of his beloved ship. He tells himself he’s doing it for the crew but mostly he’s doing it for Bones, for his soulmate. Because he has to give Bones a chance to meet his soulmate and Jim thinks that maybe that was his purpose all along.

He doesn’t remember how he managed to get back to the glass door. He pulls the hatch and the door leading to the core closes. When he looks outside Spock is standing on the other side of the door. There are tears in his eyes and Jim wants to laugh because he always wanted Spock to be more human but he only manages to cough.

“How’s our ship?”

He doesn’t ask what he really wants to know, but Spock seems to get it anyway.

“Out of danger. Jim…”

“Thank you for being my friend, Spock”

Spock takes a sharp breath before giving him a smile despite the tears in his eyes.

“It was an honor.”

The time seems to go awfully slow for Jim. He feels himself going and he closes his eyes for a second.

“Jim...”

It takes everything he has to open his eyes but he has to because that was not Spock. Bones is sitting where Spock used to be and Jim is confused for a moment because he told Scotty to call just Spock. And then it dawns on him. Bones knows.

“You can see the colors. I’m your soulmate.”

Bones is crying and the heartbreak on his face serves as an answer. And Jim doesn’t know if he should be relieved happy or angry at him. He is mostly hurt. He went in here thinking that he had nothing to lose and yet if he thinks about it, he still has nothing to lose. Bones never told him so it’s safe to think he wouldn’t have told Jim.

“I’m sorry, Jim. I wanted to tell you. I’m really sorry.”

And Jim snorts which turns into a cough and he knows he doesn’t have much time left.

“A little..late for that…Bones”

And Jim’s eyes close because he’s too tired to keep them open anymore. He thinks Bones is still talking but he only hears fragments. The voice becomes frantic but Jim is slipping into the darkness.

“Jim…please…I love you…”

That’s the last thing Jim hears before reality slips away.

Jim always thought death would at least give him some relief. Instead he feels cold. He hears voices sometimes. They sound familiar but Jim can’t place them. The first time he starts feeling something he knows he’s not dead. He can’t open his eyes. There’s pressure on his hand and his whole body hurts. The pain is unbearable and Jim wishes for death before a beeping sound comes from somewhere around the room and then there’s a sharp pain in his neck. The pain starts to go away and Jim finds himself drifting again. The next time he comes to, he still can’t open his eyes but everything feels clearer. He also hears shouting. He can recognize one of them as Spock and before he slips back into unconsciousness Jim thinks that he never heard Spock shout like that before.

He doesn’t know how long it’s been when he finally wakes up. He sits up and gasps. The movement doesn’t hurt as Jim expected. Someone pushes him back on the bed and Jim looks up to see Spock. He looks a little tired and his hair is a little messy but he smiles softly at Jim. Jim finally relaxes and Spock lets him get settled before he hands him a glass of water.

“Either I ended up in hell or you found a way to save me.”

His voice is still raspy but he smiles at Spock anyway.

“You are not dead. We found a way to save you, using Khan’s blood. The doctors had to do transfusions because your cells were heavily irradiated.”

Jim can tell that there’s something Spock isn’t telling him so he just gives him an expectant look, urging him to say whatever it is and Spock sighs.

“Doctor McCoy is the one who made the serum to save you.”

Jim clenches his jaw because he expected that. He remembers what Bones told him, but he also doesn’t believe him.

“Jim, listen. I do not pretend to comprehend why he lied to you. All I know is that we had to forcefully remove him from the room in order to make him rest. Doctor McCoy has been emotionally compromised ever since you died. After you died, he lost his colors and the nurse had to sedate him.”

And Jim never considered the possibility of Bones losing his colors.

“Are you suggesting that I should just forgive him?”

“I am merely saying that you should take it under consideration. While I do not deny that he lied to you maybe you need to talk to him?”

And Jim knows Spock is right but he also doesn’t wanna hear it. He is angry at Bones and he doesn’t wanna hear his excuses. Bones didn’t want him as a soulmate and that’s that. But Jim can’t actually blame him, he blames himself more. Because who in their right mind would want Jim as their soulmate? A nurse comes in and checks Jim over and he’s already feeling restless.

“Can I go?”

The nurse looks like she wants to protest but she reads over his chart and after the shock passes she just nods halfheartedly. Spock helps him out of bed and they exit the medbay.

“Captain, while I understand your dislike for medical, I strongly advise you go and rest, at least for today.”

Jim wants to argue but he does feel drained. His feelings are jumping from angry to sad to heartbroken and he feels like he’s gonna get a whiplash. He nods at Spock and heads for his quarters without another word. He opens the door and prepares to go to bed when he freezes on the doorway. Bones is looking at him from his place on the couch and he looks as shocked as Jim. And Jim realizes that Spock wasn’t kidding. Bones looks awful. He has dark circles under his eyes, his hair is a mess and his eyes are red. The shirt he’s wearing is rumpled and stained. For a moment Jim feels a pang of regret but he remembers everything Bones put him through and the anger is back. Bones shoots out of his seat and he’s in front of Jim before he can blink. He’s checking him over and Jim feels too tired to push him away. Instead he lets Bones check him over and when he’s done he just steps around him at sits heavily on the bed.

“Jim..”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

And Bones looks vulnerable and small as he sits there. He runs his hand through his hair and Jim waits patiently because he has to know.

“I was divorced. The relationship ended badly. When you touched me and I realized that you were my…it felt too soon. So I pretended to be oblivious. And I’m so sorry.”

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

And Bones looks away and Jim is more tired than ever.

“I almost told you so many times. But then you started sleeping around and I told myself that maybe you didn’t want me.”

And Jim snorts.

“Oh so now it’s my fault.”

“Dammit Jim! Let me explain. Everybody leaves me. I told myself that it was just a matter of time until you will too because who would want a grumpy old guy like me? You deserved better.”

All fight leaves Jim and he wants this to end already.

“That was not your choice to make, Bones.”

And Jim is so tired. Tired of people making choices for him, tired of the lies, tired of living under his father’s shadow.

“Jim, darlin’, please believe me. I made a mistake.”

Jim chuckles darkly and it makes Bones flinch.

“Well, that just makes it all better, doesn’t it?”

Jim stands up and he feels the anger coming again and he lets it out.

“It makes up for all the years I felt like crap. It makes up for the fact that all this time I lived under the impression that I had a soulmate that will never be truly mine. The fact that you ‘made a mistake’ makes up for all the lies you told me. Well guess what, Bones? It’s not enough. Because when I touched you it felt like I came alive. But then I looked at you and I was underwater again. I hated you! I hated you for not feeling the same. Mostly, I hated myself because even knowing that I was not your soulmate I fell for you. I fell for you even though I knew you wouldn’t be there to catch me. And I wanted to tell you every night that you were it for me and that I loved you but I would tell myself that it wouldn’t be fair to you.”

And Bones is quiet, his face full of heartbreak.

“I’m so sorry.”

The words are whispered and Jim sighs. He wants to be angry at Bones but he also knows Leonard. He knows that he has abandonment issues and while they’re not as bad as Jim’s, they still cloud the man’s judgment. And Bones looks like he’s about to cry and Jim’s heart breaks.

“I’m angry with you. You took the choice away from me and you know how much I hate that.”

Bones nods and Jim can tell by his expression that he’s bracing himself for rejection.

“This won’t go away easy. You decided not to tell me and it hurt us both in the process. But I also know you. I know you’re terrified of losing people. I also know that it must’ve been hard for you when I died. But as much as I want to talk about this I am tired as hell.”

Pain flashes in Leonard’s eyes but it’s gone a second later. He nods and turns to the door but Jim grabs his wrist and Leonard freezes. He turns to look at Jim and his face is confused and there’s a little hope in his eyes. It makes Jim smile. He takes a step closer and hugs Bones. He’s tense for a moment but then his hands come up and he hugs him back, clutching him almost desperately.

“I’m not saying you’re forgiven. We still have a lot to talk about. But I love you, Bones. And you need to sleep too because to tell you the truth, you look like hell.”

And Bones makes a sound between a laugh and a sob before easing his grip. They let go of eachother but Jim still holds Leonard’s wrist.

“I love you too, darlin’. And I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right.”

And Jim gives him a soft kiss.

“I know.”

He turns and drags Bones to the bed with him. Bones settles on Jim’s chest, head right above his heart and Jim holds him close. He waits until he’s sure Bones is asleep and then he lets himself slip away. And if he has nightmare for the next few weeks, Bones is always there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm thinking about doing a second part with Bones's POV. Hope you like it.


End file.
